Bliss too..

I am trying to remember you 
and 
let you go 
at the same time. 

-the mourn

Postpartum has so many meanings to me now. 

Before, when I thought of what of what it meant to be postpartum, I thought of body adjustments, breastfeeding, long nights and early mornings.. 

Yet at the end of that equation bliss. Bliss of waking up to your newborn, hearing them cry when you just need a bit more sleep or seeing them attempt to crawl across whatever surface you place them on. I thought of Easter and Holiday photos and even the feeling of Mother's day goosebumps knowing a little being counts on you, and calls you mama. 

The reality is postpartum can actually be a reoccurring reminder of a tragic moment or moments for other women, women like me. 

Waking up in the morning, and laying down at night feels a bit different then it has the past few months. The stretching, ligaments pulling, leg cramping, and hours of tossing and turning all seem bittersweet now. Postpartum for myself, and many other women feels more of a lonely state, than anything else. Not to mention the unanswered questions of why me? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? 

Facing family and friends becomes an obstacle in itself, especially if you're still showing a pregnant belly (depending on how far along you were). My experience with this hurdle sent me into hiding. For some time I didn't or should I say couldn't speak with family or friends. 

I couldn't answer those questions, or face those phone calls as much as I needed the comfort. The path of grieving has been similar to a see-saw. Emotions all the way up and then crashing down. 

Over the first four weeks of recovery I've learned that its ok to be in your thoughts, in your emotions, cry as much as you need to , and to talk about how you feel with people you feel most comfortable. Some people wont know what to say, and thats ok. Some people may say the wrong things, ask the wrong questions, and some may say nothing at all. Expectations of people may change, as for myself, I've also learned not to expect anything.

This postpartum journey for me, and my partner, has been an eye-opening experience but by continuing to increase my knowledge on grief, physical recovery, and my next steps of ttc

(trying to conceive), I'm mentally growing as a woman, and rainbow mama. To all those mamas out there, stay strong, and informed. Remember you only get one body, treat it as your holy temple.

This week I will begin therapy with my postpartum counselor . 

Stay Tuned